Boundaries Will Always Highlight What Was There
There’s a version of love that looks like loyalty, patience, and holding on… even when things aren’t really changing. And then there’s the version that comes after growth. The kind that forces you to look at things differently—even when you don’t want to. Lately, I’ve had to sit more and more in that space.
There’s a cycle I haven’t seen anybody really talking about. There’s something that happens in relationships where change shows up… but it doesn’t take hold. It can feel real in the moment. It actually gives you hope. It makes you believe things can be different this time around. And then, slowly or sometimes not even slowly, things fall right back into the same patterns. And for a long time, I have accepted that as part of actually loving someone.
Over time, I started doing real work on myself. I can’t change anyone else but ME (ME vs ME). Not some surface-level “I’m good” energy. It was real self-reflection, growth, and accountability. Out of that, two things shifted in me that I just can’t ignore anymore. I learned how to genuinely, fully fall in love with myself. I also started learning how to set boundaries and keep those boundaries. I’m still a work in progress on both, especially boundaries. If I’m being real; that part is the hardest. But even being a work in progress changed how I show up.
When I changed, the dynamic changed. The biggest shift wasn’t loud or bold. It was subtle and quiet. It felt like peace in the midst of a storm. I just stopped overextending myself. I definitely stopped excusing things the same way. I stopped bending myself to keep any type of peace. And because of all of that, the dynamic has changed. Not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, and energetically. There is definitely less access. I have way less automatic availability. Less of me is showing up in ways that before only worked for them but at my expense.
Things became clear in a way I just can’t ignore anymore. Because once I stopped carrying what I used to carry, it has exposed what had been there all along. The patterns didn’t actually stop and “change” isn’t staying consistent. The difference was I could see it and acknowledge now. And once you see something clear as day, you just can’t unsee it.
There is a hard truth that I have to reconcile. Here’s the part that doesn’t get talked about and loud enough is: Love can still be there, and it still might not be enough. There can be history. There can be real connection. There can be even be major effort. And yet, if the behavior doesn’t truly change, you end up stuck in a loop instead of a relationship. Replaying the same ole dynamics as before, hoping for different results. That is literally the definition of insanity. Recognizing all this of this doesn’t make you bad or cold. Even if it gets painted that way. It does however make you honest, to myself and to others.
So where I am right now is I don’t have a perfect ending to tie this up. I’m still navigating what this actually looks like in real time. But I do know this: I just can’t go back to who I was then, just to make something feel comfortable again. Growth doesn’t always feel good or look beautiful. Sometimes it feels like a loss. Sometimes it feels like confusion. Sometimes it feels like standing in the middle of something you haven’t fully walked away from… but just can’t fully settle back into either.
If you’ve ever been in that space, you know and get me. And if you’re there right now, just know this: You’re not wrong for seeing things clearly, no matter if that’s all you are told. And you’re not wrong for needing something different once you do.
It is what it is.
Life with Essie B. 